Always

Today Cristi came up to me in our anatomy class (she is taking it and I’m doing the SI for it). She asked me if I had any suggestions for remembering the material they have to know for their HUGE lab exam this week. I gave her some pointers, in a very sporadic fashion since I was tired and almost fell asleep during class. Our conversation flowed in a pleasant manner and she said thanks and left. I wasn’t angry or anything, but the conversation did provide an opportunity for nostalgia to attack me when I was vulnerable. I remembered how we were together. How I enjoyed almost every moment I had with her, as long as she wasn’t misinterpreting something I was saying :-P I remembered how well we got along and sometimes, secretly I yearn to have that back. Sometimes I wish we could work… but as I contemplate during these moments, I realize that I feel like this because she was my first true girlfriend. The first one whom I attempted many times to open myself up to… whether she realized it or not. She was the first one whom I would say that I truly did love. The first one who seemed almost completely compatible with me. All these things came rushing back and brought with them a bit of remorse and regret. This was healthy for me because in the recent weeks of feeling bitter and resentful, I have not really paid any attention to how things were before the end. I haven’t remembered all the fun we used to have. It helped me to remember that deep down inside I will always care about Cristi, granted not in the same way as I used to, but always. It’s just an unfortunate thing that 2 people can be completely compatible in personality, and be polar opposites when it comes to emotions/expectations from a relationship. I’ll close this with a quote from my good friend kiki, who has offered so much in the way of support and conversation.

"Expectations diminish the value of what actually happens. Without specific desires, the simplest of things can make your world a heavenly place."

I’m a big fan of this ... it seems to summarize why Cristi and I broke up and probably why I still feel resentful sometimes.