Yea...

First things first... physics lab sucks!

and if jessica ever happens to read this then don't worry about me emailing any links to your blog...rest assured that i won't be doing that. and also good job on limiting my viewing of your profile onthe good ole FB... what was it you said a few weeks ago about people being dramatic when they blocked you... seems very similar wouldn't you say?

so im definately tickled that i "was seeing things between jessica and nancy from only one side"... i find that the situation couldn't possibly have more than one side...

also the fact that i "hurt" jessica with my blog post is an opportunity to mention the following:

if you post things on your blog and people read and respond to them you had better be a big kid and be ready for whatever is posted in someone elses blogs... honestly... take it with a grain of salt if you don't like it.

Pass the sunscreen... don't want to get cancer with all these awesome rays!

So right now im basking in the glow of my rightness! Here's the situation:

so jessica has been hanging out with dude-man. nancy doesn't particularly care for dude-man (after some shit happened... will specify later). i told nancy 2 1/2 weeks ago that jessica would acuse me of stealing nancy away from her within 3 weeks and that she would say i was doing it to hurt her. alas jessica wrote in her blog that she thinks i have "stuped" to the level of stealing her friends away to hurt her...1) what a huge ego she must have ... 2) how awesome it would be to post a link to it so everyone could read it but that would be in bad taste... so i won't.

*basking* *turns over* *basking other side to get an even tan*

so fuck this shit! jessica sits there and flirts with the guy nancy likes (after nancy informs her that she likes him), then proceeds to hang out with him a lot and expects it not to bother nancy? then proceeds to get upset that nancy is hanging out with me a lot because nancy doesn't want to see jessica and dude-man flirting... even though many times she is hanging out with me amidst many band people from her dorm room or across the hall. nancy also understands me very well so she was a wonderful outlet right about when jessica stopped talking to me for some immature emotional shit. to top it all off, jessica apparently doesn't want to be around me anymore... funny, last time i checked we had a rather civil luncheon and even hugged afterwards... yea... confused but what the fuck ever.

just to clarify, nancy's liking was only momentary infatuation...

i wonder if jessica realizes that it is not i who has been doing any kind of stealing away, but her who has been doing a lot of pushing away... probably not.

although i must say that i didn't see jessica admitting to getting a taste of her own medicine... kudos to being slightly more emotionally put together than i realized.

and yes, i am intelligent enough to realize that by posting a response of some kind i am in fact perpetuating the whole cry for attention... its cool... i need people to know that im intelligent so im announcing to the world that i was right and that i am smart enough to realize this won't help... but fuck it!

and jessica probably would probably say that this response is "dramatic" or "reading too far into things" but she knows exactly whats going on and how what she says will interpreted.

it's so irritating when someone doesn't have the capacity to put themselves in others' shoes.

Interesting

So i sent my parents some pics from this weekend. They both liked them. As a result of sending my dad the pics, he is considering going to glacier national park with me in the spring. i wonder if a man in his 50s can take 36 hours straight in a car. i guess we'll just have to let the old man sleep most of the way! hahahaha! im going to help the kiddies tonight at the crisis center, however i am missing the first game of the CF Wall Crawlers coed intramural soccer team. bummer. Oh well... can't have my cake and eat it too!

One day it'll be behind me.

So this weekend i went hiking and white water rafting with brandon. We hiked to a waterfall called Abrahms Falls; secretely i was hoping it was as isolated and serene as the one at Oak Mountain. There were lots of people there which makes it hard to commune with nature and think. We camped and the rafting was awesome, i was even invited to train with the guides next spring to become a rafting guide myself! Anywho, the topics of conversation for most of the weekend betwixt brandon and myself were sex and relationships. We talked a lot, got a lot off of our chests ... still i feel a lack in resolution. I keep asking myself, "So, if everything is rationally thought out and determined to be for the better... why is my heart being this little fascist emo piece of shit inside me that won't let me forget about Jessica. I awoke this morning after having a very unpleasant dream about jessica. The dream is not the important part, the fact that i am still having them is. I feel like i'm lost because in all good logic, jessica and i aren't the best matches for each other and many other such statements can be made about specific pieces of personalities between us... but yet my heart won't let me forget. An added bonus to the confusion is the fact that (in jessica's words) "We weren't even that serious". was i inadvertantly looking at things as being more serious than they were...? Maybe it's one of those things you'll never understand. I saw a quote in Jodi's away message on AIM it was from Thoreau: "The heart is forever inexperienced."

In the line of behavior that is characteristic of me, i will postulate a paradigm of how this kind of emotional poo happens: Perhaps there is some kind of structural framework set up in the limbic system (the emotional brain) when we are infatuated with someone. Each time we attach ourselves emotionally to someone, there is a mental scaffolding set up. The more unique the person is, the stronger the scaffolding. When things come to an end the limbic system resists getting rid of the scaffolding. And to use logic to tie all this in, since the limbic system is a completely separate entity from the where your logical thought comes from, logical thinking cannot get rid of the scaffolding. Until you find someway to dispose of this emotional scaffolding seemingly full of only pleasant memories, you will be stuck in the paradox of knowing logically things won't work, while being assaulted with anything from thoughts of regret, to a dream, to a tear during a song. I'm still waiting on that last one. Hell i would take just one at this point.

Here is a bit of that little fascist emo piece of shit inside me speaking out. I don't know where all this comes from and why breakups are unpleasant, but one day it'll all be behind me.

That blonde was the first of them,
So unique and wearing small socks,
I'm lost in this discombobulation,
Wanting to escape from my paradox.

This is why i learn folks!

So i had pretty disappointing attendance today for my SI session. I had 2 people and one had to leave early. Despite the lack of people for the group work i had planned, we sat down and talked about the CNS. This was a much more useful session to the two young ladies who came because they were totally lost... and that's not a bad reflection of them, it's just that the CNS is hard and there's A LOT of stuff for people who are hearing it for the first time. We talked and went over everything, some in more details than others and i could see by the expressions on their faces that this material was starting to make sense. It's just totally awesome to take something as daunting as the entire CNS and make it make sense to 2 individuals. But by far the best compliment of all was being asked if i could help tutor one of the young ladies. While i am not allowed to tutor the same subject i am an SI leader for, it is incredibly flattering to know that i explained the material and asked the right questions in such a way that would make someone want to pay me for the same thing. Apparently i was doing something right.

That ladies and gentlemen is why i learn folks!

Don't say i hate everything about english...

I awoke this morning appreciating irony.

Things I've learned tonight

1. We can all read.
2. Apparently when a person doesn't think the way you do, your thoughts are defined to be dramatic.
3. Drinking solves everything.
4. Everyone should deal with emotional issues at the same rate.

Character

It's interesting how we as individuals judge those around us. Sure we all say that we don't but we are judging people subconciously all the time. What about decided judgements? What about those times someone does something you don't approve of and decide that individual is lacking in character, people skills, etc? Are you justified in deciding that you don't like what a person did based on your perspective alone? What if a friend agrees with you, then you have two people agreeing on the same perspective but that does not mean it's right... at the same time this judgement could be the basis for deciding not to hang out with that person anymore. In that case you are deciding not to hang out with someone whom does not share your views on the situation but going back to the question, was it right in the first place to judge that person's action/actions?

Getting into psychology, are judgements like these a self defense mechanism? Perhaps we decide not to hang out with someone who doesn't share our views on the world because there is the chance of that someone hurting us. Going back to the most primeval of topics, what if this judgement and the "not hanging out" that would ensue is a way for us to protect our sexual status (explaination coming). We would not want a member of the opposite sex, whom we wish to court, to associate us with this person who does not think like we do. The reasoning for this subconcious decision could be because we are looking for someone who is compatible with ourselves and thus that potential mate would also not like the action of said person.

One final question and this of course depends on the severity of the repercussions of the actions.

How prudent would it be to not associate with a person on the basis of one decision they've made?

Just felt like pondering over philosophy and psychology.

Attraction to calculus?

So i've had experience in the past not knowing whether an attraction shortly after a break up was valid and true, or just a momentary infatuation with what seemed to be appealing after emotional trauma.

I have devised a way to determine whether it is an attraction and not infatuation.

1. To find out whether it were a true attraction, one would have to evaluate the attraction over time. Naturally this would give you time to evaluate your feelings on the subject and you could make a better less-biased judgement of your feelings after more time has passed.

2. Instead of waiting for said time to pass, one could relate the attraction to an equation. The correlating equation would be something like this: Change (attraction)/Change (time)

3. This can be simplified to dA/dt

4. Anyone with basic calculus can see that in order to see the truth, one must differentiate the attraction. If you know how to do this let me know because you wouldn't have to wait and see.

This for some reason brightened my mood... yes this is how i think when shit hits the fan... i try to organize things and make sense of the world. i feel like i've had a bit of a manic episode tonight.

don't cry for me argentina

so today was a shitty day... excluding all the blessings and good things that people overlook on shitty days like these heres how it went:

had to get up early

go to drill late

listened to some old saved messages from jessica this summer :-
deleted said old messages from this summer except for one... that one will probably be going soon :-(

got stuck in traffic back from rifle qulifications... 2 hours to go 2 miles

noone showed up to my si session

i'll probably be up very late tonight studying for a test in the morning

on a brighter note: i shot 40/40 today... i wasn't one of the many unlucky people whose cars broke down while stuck in traffic for 2 hours. i could be unlucky enough to not be in school...

there... i've appreciated the good with the bad but i still feel crappy :-(

twoadays

yea... so im definately not as popular as that crappy show on mtv but today i was just feeling it to write so mo.

Im just feeling awesome. even though sometimes im still bummed out about jess and i, thats just something time will fix, i feel like i have found a new crew to just kick back and be stupid with. nik, rob, and nance... all very cool people. Im listening to jon mayer right now and im just chill... sometimes the stress of what will seem like petty shit in a year or so clouds the fact that i have friends that are cool as hell and im just trying to live life to the fullest. im making a worksheet while chillin about nerves, i hate nerves but im having fun with it... im just in a good mood. Maybe i had my male period last week and this coolness is from that passing on... or it could be from climbing so much this week... dunno... :-D

fun fun

last night i hung out with nance, rob, and nik. we all went to the bookstore so that i could do research on my spring break trip... i wanna go to glacier national park with 2 or 3 other people. it should be fun. we all hung out at my apartment and watched the movie click. Omg kate beckensale is so rediculously hot!!! i spent the night at rast cause rob, nance, myself, and a guy named sun (pronounced sune) from the rock wall went bouldering at the boulder fields. bouldering was cool and we totally drove through rich upity hoover to get there. nance misses connecticut... i miss my fingers not hurting... rob misses something. All in all it was a great night and morning... bring on the sunday studying; what was the bible said about keeping the sabbath holy... not if you're a student!

Frustrations

I have had way too many visits from the dolly drama lama lately... wow... i just can't describe. Nancy and i went out last night cause i owed her a long island iced tea (which were waaaaaaaay too strong and i like strong drinks). We pretty much spent the night being bitter and bitching and laughing about stupid shit that we are/had been experiencing on opposite sides of the spectrum with one individual in particular. We have both determined that it would be incredible of a good friend to be considerate of that persons other friends. No explanation on that one... that's between nancy and i. I'm going to sleep and i'm going to study ecology in the morning... woo party at my place... but only if you bring your ecology book.

note: this post was edited for content from its original form... too bad i actually care enough to edit my blogs... damn that conscience

Food for thought

sarcastic rhetorical question: how do you rectify a situation without any kind of communication?

Saw Jessica today

I saw her driving into the parking deck inher mustang as i was leaving in my saturn. I wonder if she will call me back... probably not... she seems to be the "scorched earth" type when relationships fall through. That would be most unfortunate. I could send her a message loaded with sarcasm about how much fun it would be to never talk again and then see each and experience the extreme awkwardness of having not talked since we split... yea that would be grand!

I feel like i'm pregnant

so i've gotten up the past 2 mornings feeling nausious (i probably butchered that spelling) ... no doubt it's due to my sinus infection but man... feeling crappy just doesn't feel good... who woulda thunk it?

De ja veu?

I know i totally just butchered that spelling but you get the point... what am i de ja veu-ing now? well i'm experiencing a lot of what happened when cristi and i broke up, though not as strong, certainly the same emotions. why is it always so easy to remember how well everything went right after you and a certain other half cease to be each other's halves anymore? not that jessica and i could be defined as each others other halfs, but i can't help but think about all the fun she and i had. of coursel logically the right side of my brain chimes in with its 2 cents and point out how we were just irritating each other at the end, but really... i can't stop thinking about all the fun times drinking and camping and climbing and such. I guess it all boils down to these few postulates:

1. Women are the root of all evil and men must abstain from any kind of romantic relations with them.
2. While 1 is true, it is highly unlikely that many men can resist the wiles and charms of the female gender so we (males) are damned to a life of being seduced and things not working.
3. i saw so many things that were so desireable and so rare in persons of the female gender with jessica, my mind must be afeared that i will not meet someone who possesses such qualities again.
4. thinking of all the fun times must be a self defense mechanism of the mind, a way to escape the harsh truth that you and a certain someone else just don't click like you'd hoped and one day, that other person will probably be happier with someone else... ouch

i just need a good cry... that may not sound very masculine but that seems to make bad situations exponentially better... or at least get all those damned emotions off the radar so one could think clearly.

I'm out of stuff right now and i need to study... but before i go i must mention Nancy... Nancy has been fabulous the last week or so, talking to me when i needed talking, and inviting me to lunch today was nice of her. She hasn't really taken sides and she's been really good about just listening to my frustrations... for all that i must say Nancy is my hero this week.

tata for now.

Intelligent homo sapiens?

So today i propositioned Kiki for her and i to go to an island and breed... we would create a new species with highly selected traits:

1) They would be strong from my german/austrian ancetsry... so strong that they could rip apart cocunuts with their bare hands.
2) They would be intelligent. No explanation here... think of who we're talking about :-P
3) They would have frizzy hair which would act as a) a sweat pad/insulator to keep their heads cool or warm b) a sun shield on those days where there wouldn't be a cloud in the sky and various other assorted uses for frizzy hair like stringing it together into rope!

See! It's brilliant and as kiki said, "it's one of the more interesting propositions I've recieved lately!". We would have to do away with the homo part of our species name... it would have to be:

intelliges sapien

:-P

long week

so this week revolved almost completely around my SI students... i did 14 hours worth of work... usually i do about 8. feelin stressed about roomate situation, down about me and jessica (we weren't incredibly serious but i certainly miss chatting with her... i hope htis is for the best), and not studying physics like i should be... oh well... the semester will end, and another will pass. I'll graduate and go work 5 days a week and spend my off days hiking or camping or back packing and save money for my AT excursion. i wish i could do what Hiro does on the show Heroes: just fast foward in time a bit... wouldn't we all like a neat little super power like that?

Focus and lack thereof

So i went to campus for research... which amounted to a 5 minute conversation about the data we collected from our assay on the crabs. Dr. Watson is going to crunch the numbers and we are meeting again on Friday to see what the numbers can tell us quantitatively.

As i was leaving i passed jessica in the hall. she was getting ready to go into her physiology lab. she didn't see me, at least not until i passed her and stopped checking to see if she saw me. i didn't say hey or anything because i'm pretty sure she wants some space. nonetheless it was painfully awkward to just walk on by without even saying hey... i don't like the whole not talking at all thing. it just doesn't feel right to go from calling each other all the time to nothing... i guess all the stuff between me and her has really contributed to my moods being a little out of kilter lately. i guess it's because i'm trying to figure out what went wrong between us, but i don't think i'll ever understand it. so i continually think about stuff trying to understand it, because that is the nature of my brain... to try and understand things and be able to comprehend why things happen. all this thinking with no result just leaves me stumped and frustrated. this frustration leads to a lack of motivation in other areas of my life. i think this little bump in the road of my relationships, along with the fact that its my senior year and i can't wait to just graduate and work for a while, leads me into a mindset that makes it incredibly difficult to motivate to study. Not that i don't study when i need to, it's just a lot harder to focus and concentrate when i do.

i guess if all else fails i can fix that bump in the relationship road with a Russian Mail Order Bride... :-P

My little dust-devil

I'm in a whirlwind of indecision...

Not Again

So i had another crazy ass dream last night. I was teaching an SI session that wasn't going too well because i had like 50 kids in a 40 person classroom (at Thompson High School). We had 25 minutes left and we were just getting started on the sheet... yea ... quite odd you say... it gets better. Right as i'm about to start into the topic at hand, a sheriff steps into the room and says she needs all these people, i was one of them. At that point i slammed my book down on the table and stormed out. I was asking her if there was any way she could wait 25 min. and she made some smart ass comment, then i asked her what about all of our stuff, another smart ass comment. At that point i was wanting to beat her ass... haha... but anywho, i got out to the lobby area and they were filling up 3 busses with people and sending all of us to jail. Then my alarm went off. Crazy ass dreams are keeping me from a peaceful sleep damnit!

Bad dream

so i had a pretty bad dream all in about 8 minutes... ya know the kind you get after you hit the snooze button? well this one was of me, jessica, nancy, and jessica's ex Joel. we were all traveling somewhere in a van and jessica and joel were almost acting like a couple. The were mentioning inside jokes and such in front of nancy and i, because people who have formerly dated have inside jokes, and i was asking about them. All of a sudden jessica just started yelling at me as we were walking... and yes, in front of the other 2. Once we got to the building that was our destination she screamed some kind of sentence that in no uncertain terms was the end and she hated not saying it sooner... i promptly woke up and felt a little down for about 5 min... bad dreams suck! :-/