From the outside speaking in

Tonight I had a conversation with a friend who is in high school. Not only did the conversation bring back memories from high school, it also made me realize just how we as individuals will brainwash ourselves in order to get out of something that might make us slightly uncomfortable. We will justify not doing things that we presume to know the result to, or things that seem certain when in fact they arent. In this conversation, i was helping kenny figure out how to approach a lady friend (something women say is easy, but they just dont seem to know how intimidating they can be). He was so focused on future problems that could arise as a way to not have to take a chance and talk to this girl. I wonder how many times in life we justify something as lost or forsaken because we are just afraid to take a chance. Afraid to step outside of our comfort zone and experience life to the fullest. Afraid to try for what we truly deserve. In the end i think kenny will do just fine, although like smoking, it might take a few tries to really quit a bad habit. It just took someone else telling him that he was keeping himself bottled up, keeping himself from stepping out there and changing his antisocial image.

In the end I think we all just need a little espresso-sized booster shot of confidence from a friend every now and then, accompanied by being verbally hit in the face with a ton of bricks to wake us up to the fact that our thinking can hinder our chances in life. An opinion of someone who is outside the situation and see it for what it really is.


Kenny says:
its not the talking thats scary...really Im afraid of the afters...after the questoin...after date...
Matthew says:
BUT WHAT IS KEY IS CONFIDENCE!
Matthew says:
damn dude... dont worry about that shit
Matthew says:
you cut yourself off at the balls before you know anything
Matthew says:
trust me man! its easy to worry about that stuff but its better to take the high road and just go with it
Matthew says:
thinking about that shit makes it easier to justify not doing anything about it... makes it easier to stay where you're comfortable
Matthew says:
makes it easier to stay inside your box that you have cut out for yourself...
Matthew says:
makes it easier to not get hurt by anyone else
Matthew says:
i understand man
Kenny says:
fucking hell...no one has ever come out and told me that
Matthew says:
haha well i dont pussyfoot around stuff... lol i try and tell it how it is man
Kenny says:
Iv always known but never heard it....fuck...that changes things

Funny tidbit from last night

Matthew says:
yea i asked my friend brandon last night if it was ok to be wishing i had a makeout pal
Kobieta says:
hahahaha
Kobieta says:
yeah i've definitely wanted that
Kobieta says:
but only for about five minutes
Matthew says:
why just 5 minutes?
Kobieta says:
then i get some sense
Matthew says:
what isnt sensible about it? two people coming together to use each other for mutual physical satisfaction
Matthew says:
:-)
Matthew says:
its perfect!
Matthew says:
no emotions involved!!! hahaha
Kobieta says:
you're such a guy
Kobieta says:
it's great
Matthew says:
lol glad i can be great for you

I ♥ Chemistry!!!

Ever wonder why it takes so much heat and pressure to turn coal into a diamond (if you're a nerd you have!) Well for starters a diamond is a very dense rock that is made up of straight carbon-carbon bonding. So if we apply a lot of pressure and heat we should be able to force all the carbon bonds to break from whatever they're attached to and make them reconnect to each other. But why so much in the first place? After reading chapters 15 and 16 in my organic book, I would postulate that it is the fact that coal is made of mostly aromatic compounds. Aromatic compounds are extremely stable through the resonance they have as a result of their bonding patterns. That means that an aromatic compound will need a lot of arm twisting to get it to break up because they want to remain in their very stable conformation. So... we have to apply a lot of heat and pressure to break up these stable compounds in order to form the carbon-carbon bonds that we want. That is my theory based on what i just read... chemistry is awesome!

oh and i also got to explain what the difference between a saturated and unsaturated fat was to my compadre kimberely at the crisis center today!

The knocking at my door, the tapping at my window.

emo·tion: the affective aspect of consciousness b : a state of feeling c : a psychic and physical reaction (as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling and physiologically involving changes that prepare the body for immediate vigorous action

I have tried in the past to make logical sense out of peoples' emotions. Of course i failed horribly but recently i've found myself everyday wishing that i didn't have any emotions. They have a way of confusing a situation that seemed to be taken care of and put behind me. Things don't go the way you want them to and you justify it, make it make sense to yourself, and move on, or so you think. But if you don't ever find a way to deal with the emotion underlying all the stuff that didn't go the right way, then it will keep knocking at your door, tapping on your window until you decide to do the ineviteable: give up and let them overtake you. Let yourself experience every emotion, every mood, acentuate and help the mood with music that walks hand-in-hand with it. The hardest part of it all, especially for someone like me is realizing that emotions are all-elusive and will never be completely understood. I have found myself experiencing a plethora of these little buggers and everytime it's eye opening in some small fashion. Today as a result of the two dreams i had last night (sorry, these ones will stay with me... and no, they aren't what you might be thinking they were) i realized how people can honestly want to give things another try... yes, i was giving it serious consideration today. I took it all in and ran with it for half the day, because shutting the damned things out hasn't been working. I have always felt that once things are over between 2 people, there is little chance of anything ever seriously working out... well today i caught a small glimpse of why exactly people will "give things another try". I realized that sometimes people make rash decisions, selfish decisions, cold-hearted decisions because they might be stressed out or something, and while they think the opposite, they aren't always best in the long run. I realized that 2 people can get back together and give things another try in all seriousness and not just be getting back together for reasons such as lonelyness. All of this i realized as a result of being bitch-slapped around by those funny little feelings deep down in my core for a little while. I am learning new things about myself and about life every day, all as a result of yielding to the knocking at my door, the tapping at my window.

yesterday and this morning

i had a god evening last night... even though my internet was not working. after my cal 2 test yesterday i went and got a hair cut and slept at my house for 3 hours! it was great! i came back up here to UAB to go to cell biology class and afterwards went and got some beer. I had 2 beers and watched pirates of the carribean (i bet i spelled that wrong so dont mention it if i did). i called jodi, my friend from north carolina and we talked for about 30 minutes; i was gonna call you too kiki, but alas my laundry needed doing... lol backseated for cotton! I call you this weekend sometime ;-) once pirates of the carribean was done, i watched tv while i folded clothes. i turned it to the history channel and watched their special on the columbine shooting. it was very intense and i felt very out of kilter after it. just thinking of all those kids who were killed, some for reasons, others for no reason at all. it was very depressing. i went to sleep and had not one dream, but 2 dreams involving cristi... yay... so that means in 6 days ive had 4 dreams involving the beloved ex... at some point theyll subside... hopefully... i went and worked out this morning. my lack of getting a good nights sleep left me feeling pretty weak, but i finished my workout by doing some spinning with a friend. that was fun. afterwards i went back to my room to take a shower and there was not hot water!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so instead of showering... i just shampooed my head and washed it, gutting through the pain of the most intense brain freeze ive known to date. that's about it for now

Always

Today Cristi came up to me in our anatomy class (she is taking it and I’m doing the SI for it). She asked me if I had any suggestions for remembering the material they have to know for their HUGE lab exam this week. I gave her some pointers, in a very sporadic fashion since I was tired and almost fell asleep during class. Our conversation flowed in a pleasant manner and she said thanks and left. I wasn’t angry or anything, but the conversation did provide an opportunity for nostalgia to attack me when I was vulnerable. I remembered how we were together. How I enjoyed almost every moment I had with her, as long as she wasn’t misinterpreting something I was saying :-P I remembered how well we got along and sometimes, secretly I yearn to have that back. Sometimes I wish we could work… but as I contemplate during these moments, I realize that I feel like this because she was my first true girlfriend. The first one whom I attempted many times to open myself up to… whether she realized it or not. She was the first one whom I would say that I truly did love. The first one who seemed almost completely compatible with me. All these things came rushing back and brought with them a bit of remorse and regret. This was healthy for me because in the recent weeks of feeling bitter and resentful, I have not really paid any attention to how things were before the end. I haven’t remembered all the fun we used to have. It helped me to remember that deep down inside I will always care about Cristi, granted not in the same way as I used to, but always. It’s just an unfortunate thing that 2 people can be completely compatible in personality, and be polar opposites when it comes to emotions/expectations from a relationship. I’ll close this with a quote from my good friend kiki, who has offered so much in the way of support and conversation.

"Expectations diminish the value of what actually happens. Without specific desires, the simplest of things can make your world a heavenly place."

I’m a big fan of this ... it seems to summarize why Cristi and I broke up and probably why I still feel resentful sometimes.

big dinner

i just had the biggest dinner ive had in a while:

1 sandwich: 3 slices of bologna and 2 slices of cheese with ketchup and mustard
1 gronola bar
1 packet of crackers: 6 peanut butter
1 can of vienna sausage: 7 links
1 Apple/Mango Sauce Cup
1 Pickle: The big kind they sell at baseball games
1 Full glass of grape juice; drank it to half and filled that half up with water to dilute it but still taste like grape juice
1 Cup of Coffee

This all amounts to preparation for studying Calculus 2 for a while

The Line

There is a line. On one side sits fantasy and the illusion of all-encompassing joy and happiness. Everything works out at some point here, on this side of The Line. There is a certain predictability to life's happenings if one stays in the mind set that we can make everything work out if we try hard enough. The other side consists of realistic happenings. Aknowledgement of realities and the hardships we all must endure in our time on this small planet. Aknowledgement of the realities of life and what kinds of things one must have in order to be happy and aknowledement of other things that just won't work. The Line seems like it would be one of definate character, however The Line is very elusive. One person will tell you that it starts over here, the next will tell you that it starts over there. There is no consistancy to its placement because of the fact of what The Line divides. The Line divides two ways of looking at the world: one of hopeful, optimistic, and borderline emotional thinking that would be applicable only in the lands of fairytales, and the other of realistic, logical, and reason-based thinking that is applicable to today's business and social structures. I can't begin to count the number of times I was told that I was giving up/gave up/or "just stopped trying"... to those people who told me these things, they were always on the other side of The Line. It almost seemed as if they were expecting me to try and see things in that sunny, happy hue that coats their side of The Line. However, I always felt justified in that I was not giving up, but more accepting reality... accepting the reality of what kinds of things I could and could not handle at the time. Why would analyses of a situation and finding it to be incompatible with ones needs be considered giving up? I guess it all goes back to The Line.

Just reiterating

I don't think you guys would assume that I'm just doing this for attention; it truly does help me to write on here whether people read or not. Just wanted to make sure you guys knew that I'm not using this as an outlet for sympathy.

On a less serious side, I got a message from a friend today that stated, "Dude we're so gonna rape that calculus book from every direction!" LOL I wish I had that much confidence in myself and the guys in my semi-study group.

Demasculation amongst soccer and anatomy

In my session i noticed a girl was wearing a bigger watch than i. Confused and mesmerized at the fact that a girl was wearing such a big watch. As i starred at it, she saw me and i asked her about it (while everyone else had stopped working through the sheets to see what the commotion was). She said she backpacks a lot and it tells her nifty things like direction and probably other stuff ... she paid $60 for it. So i felt quite demasculinated today...

I also related Totti's recent fibula breakage to our present topic in anatomy. I theorized that his broken fibula was probably a spiral fracture, which results from abnormal twisting stresses to a bone and breaks it in a spiral like manner. Hard to explain, but i then proceeded to talk about the US vs. guatemala game where the US royally spanked the latin american team. I saw 3 fantastic goals (i didnt see the other one): two amazing volleys right around the 18 and one phenominal chip from outside the 18 that traveled right over the keepers finger tips.

210, 3 miles, and the pursuit of happiness

worked out this morning. I did 210 5 times on the bench so im definately getting stronger. I also ran for 25 minutes, did about 3 miles...yay... In other news:

Brandon and I got into a heated debate last night about dating each others' previous flames. I have the outlook that once you're done with someone, you're done and it shouldn't matter who dates the person you were with. I proceeded to tell him that if he wanted to date cristi, then by all means he could (although this is one of the most unlikely things to happen). Brandond proceeded to tell me that if i was a friend of his, he would expect me not to pursue any of his previous "people" out of respect for him as a friend. I really have a lot of disdain for this kind of argument. To me it seems like the grown up version of the first grader saying, "I'll be your best friend if you give me your mexican pizza" at lunch. It's just putting stipulations on a friendship, which friendships should not be made under any stipulation... you're friends because you enjoy each others company. To me, the whole "don't date my ex" syndrome seems to relate to self esteem, and a lack there of. It almost seems like the other person is somehow afraid that things might work out with you and their ex, which would imply that their is something wrong with them and something right about you, because things didn't work out with themselves and their ex. Therefore, they would prefer not to have to deal with you appearing better and would prefer to avoid this hit to their self esteem, so they tell you not to date their ex. Emotional bullshit is what it is... plain and simple. Now obviously, if one of my friends were to date cristi, i wouldn't want to hear the specifics about what kinds of physical things they were doing, but even if it did bother me somewhere in the depths of my mind, why should a little discomfort on my part keep one of my friends from pursuing their own happiness?

My Wall

I come to the wall. The wall is big. I cannot scale it with my bare hands. I am stuck on this side of the wall. The wall has lettering on it, in leopard print to be specific. It says you don't love me, you don't care about me, and you could try harder; hurtful things that just seem to repeat themselves in my head. This is my wall, the wall that I meet every time I try and think about getting myself back to a happy place mentally. The leopard print is significant because a certain ex loved leopard print. It reminds me where these hurtful words came from. The soccer ball is synonymous with my bad-mouthing both "the ex" and girls in general at this point in my life. Like soccer, it is enjoyable and healthy for me to do this. But, like the 60 year old soccer player whose joints have deteriorated, at some point the soccer playing in my head can become detrimental. To get over this wall I must kick the soccer ball over. Get it out of my sight and not think about playing anymore. Only then can I refocus my efforts into devising a way to traverse this obstacle. The problem is, right now I'm enjoying playing soccer a little too much to give up my ball.

Poor Totti

Check out this awesome picture! Italian Midfielder Totti who plays for Roma broke his fibula! WOW!!!

LOL

Thanks for that song Kiki! that was funny and yet VERY TRUE!!! Will you be my maid? :-P

another funny thing... on Facebook people write what they are interested in... what they type, the facebook code makes that a link that you can click to search for all the people who have that. An example:

If i type: Soccer

I would be able to click that as a link and it would pull up all the people who have soccer in their profile.

Well I have a friend who has written on her wall: Your Mom. I clicked the link and was educated to the fact that apparently there are more than 500

"people who enjoy your mom"

LOL

it's funny to me, so leave me alone! :-D

I wish she would get out of my head.

I was meeting up with friends to study. For some reason we traveled not too far off of campus to someone's house. Immediately when we got to the house, something felt off. We went inside and it quickly became apparent to me why I had a funny feeling outside. The first person I saw was Mrs. S, Cristi's mom. Next I saw Cristi laying on the couch talking on the phone. She looked at me, about to say something, but something kept her from verbalizing the thoughts in her head. I don't know why my friends and I ended up here at Cristi's house, but we went out into the garage to study. We left and everything went into fastfoward until the next week. The same friends and I were going to study, but somehow knowing that they were going back to Cristi's house, I decided to study somewhere else. I asked one of the guys (there were four of us) if he would come with me. He said no and somehow persuaded me to go back; I would equate my response to that of a man being wooed by a siren (a manly siren that is) because there was no way I was going to go back willingly. We got there and this time I saw Mr. S and Cristi's little brother Jorge. Cristi was dressed like she was going out and looked gorgeous, she was on the phone. Mrs. S was making her authentic Mexican food as usual. Again we made our way to the garage to study. Cristi came outside and looked at me. The kind of look that burns right through to your soul, but not in a bad way. The kind of look we used to give each other right before we passionately made out. All of this stirring up emotions of loss and longing. Missing Mr. and Mrs. S and the rest of their family.

Dreams should be my sanctuary, my time to leave my hurting for a brief while in order to keep my sanity. I wake up, feeling a pang in my chest. Yearning to cry and let it all out since noone else was there with me. I knew it would feel great to have a good cry about it, yet my body was conspiring against me. A thought from a little while ago pops into my head. I remember Cristi talking about me not being emotional enough for her when we broke up. I remember thinking the following to myself one day driving down the interstate:
"I'm not a person who lacks emotions. They just don't show themselves as often as in other people... I do have them and feel emotinoal pain just like anyone else... it's just that the tears of my heart don't manifest in the tear ducts of my eyes."

Why can't I get her out of my head?

Satisfaction and puzzels

YES! I did send cristi a copy of the blog entry. I added a bit at the end to tell her in no uncertain terms to just leave me alone for now. I also added this:

"FYI: my valentines was just like every other valentines day of my life... i was single and had other things to do so it was just another day on the calender. "

i think that somewhere in a dark corner of my mind that i was hoping that would bother her... maybe she would be upset or something since she sees valentines and any other holiday as siginificant... nonetheless... she called our mutual friend brandon this morning kind of upset because she "doesnt understand" and apparently said that i was reminding her of her ex with this getting upset/angry kind of stuff... well ex ex now. i feel like i should be reminding her of him because she did the same shit... would find something to call/IM and be all cheery about after he had asked her to leave him alone...

So... i have regressed to a point where i have enjoyed making another person upset... all the progress i made... out the window. So tonight im going to drink beer and be satisfied with my border-line sadistic email and tomorrow start trying to fit the puzzel back together again.

Anger

Sooo... last night i was talking to a friend on aim and Cristi sends me a message: "Happy belated valentine's day!" and 2 things happened to me. 1) my blood pressure shot up because i got pissed 2) i was thinking WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

i collected myself and typed back "happy valentines day back? thats an interesting thing to say to an ex"

to which she responded "no its not... but if you dont like it then ill take it back"

.... well... hmm lets think... oh wait thats right... once you say something the damage is already done and it cannot be unsaid. This really pissed me off, i asked her to leave me alone because i didnt want to say something that would hurt her... like, i have to deal with my shit before i can be friendly again... well next time i think im just going to say something hurtful and blame her for not listening to me ;-) It was typical behavior though, cause she was going out dancing and she's always in a good mood when she goes out dancing... she likes spreading the "im going to shake my ass" cheer to everyone... i guess ill email her a copy of this blog :-D that would be pleasant wouldn't it? damn... you can make so much progress in the right direction and have it all torn down because your ex wants to wish you a happy fuckin valentines!!! agggg...

ok... im good :-D just had to bitch!

Catch me on a different day

So i am flip-flopping every day as to whether ill be able to do SI for Anatomy next fall... although im starting to get a little more realistic about things and its looking like it won't happen... what do you blokes think?

Chemical Kinetics and Thermodynamics 1 (Physical Chemistry 1) w/ lab
Mammalian Physiology w/ lab
3 hours of honors research
2 core classes
Either Calculus Physics 2 or a 400 level Biology course

yea... im thinking its starting to not look so bright and hopeful to do SI next fall... but i could always do it next spring.

I potentially made a huge goof in research today... i left the cells i was supposed to be transfering into new media (food) in the pellet (when you spin it down to separate liquid from cells) for like 30-45 minutes because i was working with other cells concurrently... they are not expected to survive... i have reaped death and destruction to over a hundred million forms of life in the time span of 30-45 minutes... i am death incarnate!! lol :-P that is of course if they arent resilient little buggers and manage to pull through...

kinda boring... sorry there's no more lesbian stuff... ill try and make that happen again in the future ;-)

Kiki seems to be the source for a lot of my blog posts

go to it and click some words!!! lol since only like 2 of my friends look at this itll be hard to be anonymous... but if you dont want me to know... both of you list your name as bob ;-)

My joharian window

a kissing cyclopropane (triangle for non chem people)

so that party where i made out with the random lesbian... well she is bisexual... so booo... i have not yet made out with a lesbian *erases crossout on the list of things to do in my life* i also found out an interesting bit of information... right after we made out, she went into the bathroom and made out with my lesbian friend who invited me. Soooo... this girl made the rounds that night, but i was first... when i told the lesbian friend who invited me, she said something like, "so you kissed her? when? that right before.... EEWW!!! i mean no offense but i kissed her right after you did! uggg!" i told her that she indirectly made out with me too since the kissings were so close together and thus, we had a kissing triangle!

Eureka!!!

With the help of my good friend kiki i have deduced the following:

Until young women/girls grow up emotionally, they will always be attracted to assholes and nice guys will finish last. My logic is such... in my personal experience, the ex dated a guy who walked all over her and treated her like crap. When we dated, i treated her respectably and always gave her a say in everything. We never had any big arguments or fights so things were generally good. While i do not approve of walking all over your gf, there is a certain sense of loyalty that those types of girls develop as a result of the emotional rollercoaster ride they go on all the time. When they have arguments, they are usually significantly large fights about things. When things are good, everything appears to be superbly excellent because there is peace and tranquility. So, the girl sees the relationship as a function f(x) = of ups and downs, but the happiness punctuated by huge fights once a week or so provides a blinding euphoria that makes the boyfriend the "best in the world". However, if you treat your gf with respect and do not act like your are gods gift to her, she will perceive the relationship as dull and boring because everything is good all the time. There are no big fights, there are huge arguments about seemingly insignificant things, there is just the two people having a good time and being there for each other. As a result of not having these arguments, the girl will not have anything to compare any inadequacies in her partner to and will blow small, trivial, petty, or otherwise insignificant items into something that, seems to her, worth having an argument over.

I believe it is the lack of the ups and downs, the actuallity of what a real relationship between two people who are compatible is, the want of the guy to work hard and do "little things" ALL the time, and the fact that no relationship is a fairy tale can send a girl into a tale-spin of emotional drama that eventually skewers the relationship. And by skewers i mean kills, death, die, destruction... pleasant i know :-D

so... in the name of making a circular blog entry, nice guys do finish last until girls grow up emotionally and stop looking for the unstable but appealing relationship with guys who treat them like crap... but... at the same time, these kinds of guys are about as emotionally mature as the girls who date them... so maybe those of us who have grown up are waiting for everyone else to play catch up... yes i know, im being very modest :-D

Eureka!!!

Stolen from kiki

Reds are motivated by POWER, seek productivity, and need to look good to others. Simply stated, REDS want their own way. They like to be in the drivers seat and willingly pay the price to be in a leadership role. REDS value whatever gets them ahead in life, whether it be at work, school, or in their personal relationships. What REDS value, they get done. They are often workaholics. They will, however, resist being forced to do anything that doesnt interest them. Reds need to appear knowledgeable. They crave approval from others for their intelligence and insight. They want to be respected even more than they want to be loved. They want to be admired for their logical, practical minds. REDS are confident, proactive, visionary, and can be arrogant, selfish, and insensitive. When you deal with a RED, be precise, factual, and direct.

What Color Are You?
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Exhilaration

The conversation was going back and forth, much like a tennis ball in the U.S. Open. Bouncing one way, a tactful volley here, a slam there, but never finding itself off the court. Both of us trying to outsmart and outpace the other but neither of us ever getting the upper hand; it was the epitome of equilibrium. We sat there, doing our school work as young undergraduates do and she had to leave. For a brief moment our eyes locked and I could do nothing but stare into those hazel green eyes. For the first time in my life a moment seemed like an eternity, as the image of those beautiful eyes and the personality behind them burned into my long-term memory. Something stirred inside of me... it was the exhilaration of realizing that you are in some small way attracted to someone. Not the in-love kind of way, but in the way when you realize that someone is a very cool person and you would love to go on a date with them. Whether it happen in person or online, this kind of exhilaration could happen to you!

:-D

This morning

I walked from Hixson Hall... normally I enjoy the morning walk to the gym, but today the morning cold was biting at my head, hands, and anywhere that I was dumb enough to not have some kind of clothe covering. I actually contemplated running to the gym just to make the outside experience shorter, but I decided it would be better to not pull a muscle in the name of getting out of the cold air faster so I just walked. The wind blew, cars rushed by creating more wind, and then the wind blew some more. Once I got to the gym and opened the door, there was a flood of warm air that could only be described as heavenly... thus I began my workout.

I lifted on the bench, declined bench, and did some military presses today. I was feeling a lot stronger but since I didn't have a spotter, I decided to opt out of going up to doing 210 3 times and I just did 205 4 times... I could have done 5 but I wanted to save some. So there's big improvement in a month. Last month this time I could only do 205 one time... woot! I did 185 on the declined bench 2 sets of 5, both 105 and 115 on the military press, 2 sets of 5 for each weight. I ran after that and weighed myself... I up to 208 lbs. which I haven't been in a while. Although it has to all be muscle weight because I am certainly losing body fat with all this working out. Yay! I can fail my weigh in portion of my PT Test in my unit as I always do ... it's that german ancestry... im what some would incorrectly call "big boned" lol :-P... but no worries because if you fail the weigh in they take your body fat measurements and I always pass that.

Proof that Brittney Spears is an Idiot!

Serenity

Sitting in silence i listen... to the birds, to the wind blowing through the trees, to the waterfall not 100 feet from where i sit. Listening in silence to all around, thoughts filling my head; thoughts about life, about growing up, about the future, about everything. Nothing bothers me as i sit here, propped up against a tree at the bottom of a waterfall, deep in thought. It is the first time in a long time that i truly feel able to relax. I realize that this will be my place, my new thinking place for when the real world gets rough and hard to handle, i can just make my way to this place and escape for a brief while; a place to leave the my world behind and enter a new world that consists of me, mother nature, and a superior omnipotent power. I think about my conversation the other night with kiki, about what she was telling me about her experiences with her past relationship and i think about what my friend brandon has been telling me for a while. Suddenly i tell myself, "it's ok... it happened and it's done now"... finally my mind seems to be at peace with what has happened.

The Shocker

So one would think of the hand gesture in reference to the title of this post... if you don't get it or understand, ask me sometime online because i'm not posting what it means here... but anywho... i last night my friend and i were talking about attractiveness and apparently she feels as if i am an attractive guy. Being one who has never understood the inner workings of the female mind, i have never quite gotten hold of a true definition of what is physically attractive in a guy, so i proceeded to argue that i indeed was not an attractive guy. Well tonight i had an experience that proved my friend right and myself totally wrong... well maybe... so i went to a part tonight and had a bottle of wine all to myself. It was some time of chardonay that wasnt as good as yellow tail chardonay but whatev... so i had that and was dancing with some of the ladies present at the part... yes... i can dance indeed for a white guy. So my friend who invited me to the party is a lesbian and that's cool... and so when i got there i knew her and danced with her and one of her lesbian friends a few times. Well, being drunk and a little out of kilter because wine drunk is a different kind of drunk, Ashley (not her real name, but she was my friend's friend who was also lesbian) pulled me outside on the front porch... right then and there she attacked me and we made-out for a about 30 seconds

So with that being crossed off my list of things to do in my lifetime i have realized this:
Kelly (not her real name, who is the friend who said i was attractive online) must be right and i have to be attractive in at least some kind of way for a lesbian to want to turn straight even if only for 30 seconds...

now if you know me then you realize that i'm not an arrogant person and i still don't understand what women say when they say that a guy is attractive, but i guess now i'll take your word for it "kelly"... that's your shocker for the evening! :-)

Reflection

Wow i can see how addictive this is. So i am here at the Crisis Center doing my usual 2.5 hours a week helping out little kids who are having social/life issues about stuff that just seems really trivial... orginally i started volunteering here because volunteering is required for med school and i chose here because i didnt want to be bored. Sounds really humanitarian huh... just because i had to, but in the short time (roughly 5 months) that i have come in on Fridays i have realized that growing up makes you forget just how hard it is to be a kid. I've realized that as we grow we realize what kind of problems are small and what kind of problems can have a major impact on our life, but when we were younger... we didn't have this knowledge or experience. All those hormones that flood into the body as it hits puberty, lots of friends trying to attain some kind of social status, family issues... everything seems like it's going to bring the whole world crashing down if it doesn't turn out as one hopes. Realizing this has caused me to reflect on my rather dry outlook on life and my general uncompassionate nature. I am really working on my ability to show empathy and understand that even if it's not a problem to me, it's a problem to this little child who is upset. I feel like my short time here has given me the opportunity to grow and i feel like the longer i stay, the more chances i'll have to learn new and interesting things about life, people, and how to better my short stay on this planet.

GO ME!!! GO ME!!!

So.... this is my first blog post... the world is less one cherry in the blog department ;-) I had a pleasant conversation with a friend from high school last night and there was total AIM flirting going on... lol big accomplishment there, flirting on AIM... but it really made me think about how people change from high school to college because they (and by they i mean just about everyone, including myself) just seem to chill out, not that this person wasn't chilled out in high school, but we probably would not have been so open in high school and last night we were having fun... i don't know what exactly i'm trying to say here, perhaps this blog will help me to become more proficient at articulating my thoughts :-D

oh and btw this: ... will probably be used a lot so if you have a fear of three little dots next to each other, then this may not be the blog for you